Public to Congress: You’re Fired. Again.

January 30, 2010
By John

In a stunning development, has learned that e-mails containing pre-termination notices went out to over one-third of Congressional Democrats Friday afternoon.  Formal notices will be issued on or about November 2, 2010.  The notices were sent in response to the President’s defiant State of the Union Address defending his deeply unpopular ‘hope and change agenda’, and a number of well-intentioned but cynical statements made in the days since.

The Congressional Firing Office (CFO) made the pre-firing announcements this morning at a news conference after reading a recent Rasmussen Reports poll showing Congress has an approval rating of just 12%, and CBO reports showing that nominal federal debt will exceed GDP within 24 months.  CFO Executive Director, Norris LaGuardia, noted that “there is a point when it’s just kinder to get it out of the way.  Now they can do what needs to be done for their families, without the stresses of a crushing election lying before them.  This is an act of national kindness, in my view”

“Washington is failing us” said an obviously conflicted President on hearing the news.  “We need to expand its power to fix the intractable problems it has created.”  After a pregnant silence among the assembled media luminaries, he added “Oh, and it is all Bush’s fault.  That’s spelled B-U-S-H.  I’m just here to clean up the mess.  I have a broom.  Somebody else gave it to me.  I’m just here to clean house.  Somebody grab a mop and help, or just get out of my way”

Congressional Democrats expressed surprise and outrage at the upcoming Congressional firings, and blamed Congressional Republicans, former Presidents George W. and George H.W. Bush and in a surprise blame-throwing incident – Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson.  “Johnson’s new fantasy film, ‘Tooth Fairy’,” said one imperiled Congressional Democrat, “has electrified the nation and deflected its attention away from our historic efforts to muscle Health Reform through Congress.  Johnson has unwittingly given Republicans yet another opportunity to defang this bill, and to hide their dirty work under a pillow.”  Johnson’s spokesman declined to make a public comment, but friends report he turned into a giant scorpion and ate a local news crew upon hearing of his being drawn into the controversy.

Democrats Respond Forcefully to Firings – Preparing for CCCP?


Congressional Democrats are considering a variety of job protection measures in response to the pre-firing notices.  High on the list of options being considered is a Congressional Card Check Program (CCCP).  Under the terms of this proposal, senior Democrats from endangered states and districts would be allowed to unionize Congress by a voice vote without an opportunity for management (i.e., voters) to object or respond.  The proposed CCCP Act of 2010 would require a multi-decade labor contract for all majority incumbents, impose strict rules for seniority preferences in firing and protected class status for those casting votes for unconstitutional, progressive initiatives.  Most importantly to about-to-be-fired Democrats, it would reapportion votes cast against them this November to winning candidates of the opposition Party, thereby ensuring balanced representation of their interests for the longer term.

Pre-fired Democrats expressed confidence in their ability to use their majorities to protect their jobs.  “We have the votes on the floor right now.  We’re up late voting all the time, for God’s Sake.  What can they do?” said Congresswoman Lucinda Flinch (D-CA, a first-term Congresswoman from a district that only exists in the Stimulus Bill).  Vice President Joe Biden added his voice to Flinch’s, saying ‘If we can elect remarkable people like Flinch from places that don’t exist, imagine what we can accomplish if we cling to power for another ten years.  The People are our only concern.”

White House Supportive of CCCP Reform

On hearing of the CCCP proposal, the President immediately went to the press room and announced “This is a proposal I can get behind.  I came to Washington to change the way we do business here, and imposing CCCP this year will change our nation for generations to come.  I can’t help but think that I will be greatly advantaged in advancing my agenda when we create a more stable leadership platform for our outstanding team in Congress.  CCCP is clearly the way to go.  Our people already fear the wrath of the public in November – and the Congressional Firing Office’s pre-firing announcements today didn’t help.  We need to assuage those fears if we are to make progress for all Americans.  I want to emphasize this is not about me, or my historic agenda, or my exceptional election to the most powerful office in the world.  This is about, in my view, my deep and profound wish to transform America and bring about real change that I can believe in.  And I want to emphasize – for the record – that I am not a Bolshevik.”

Republicans Object – and Make No Sense

Congressional Firings Confuse GOP

Congressional Republicans immediately jumped on the President’s remarks.  “Congressional Republicans object to anything that Bolshevik has to say” said one leader off-handedly.  “We want all Congressional trials to be held in strict accordance with the UCMJ, and preferably at Gitmo.”  Another Republican back-bencher was overheard saying “we’ve got them by their wisdom teeth – one more yank and the whole bridge comes out.  What’s does CCCP mean?”.

On being told of these remarks, newly elected Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) was reportedly overhead muttering “Oh my God.  We are doomed.  I am going to the Cape and wait for the end.”  Former Presidents Ronald Reagan and Abraham Lincoln had no comment, but Ouija boards all around the DC metropolitan area are reportedly spontaneously catching fire.

Constitutional Amendment Next?

Traditionally, political parties attaining a solid majority status in Congress held onto that position for a generation or more (Democrats 1802-1860, Republicans 1894-1928, Democrats 1932-1980).  In recent decades, however, frequent turnover in majority status has become the norm, with the House changing hands three times (including this Fall) and the Senate a half dozen times (including this Fall).

Had Enough?

Many Americans believe this trend now needs to be reflected in Congressional terms of office, too.  In response to rumors of CCCP being voted on in Congress this week, a new group, Americans for More Frequent Accountability (AMFA), was formed this morning to begin a drive to change the term of office for Congressmen and Senators from the current 2 years and 6 years to 2 weeks and 6 weeks, respectively.  Said AMFA Executive Director Winton Troll, “we can’t trust these guys for more than two lunar cycles.  We’d have made the new terms even shorter, but then there wouldn’t be enough time to rearrange the furniture in the Capital for each newly elected class.”  In addition to increasing accountability, Troll noted “this will finally keep them all out of Washington.  They’ll be in perpetual campaign mode with these short terms, and won’t have time to actually do anything damaging.  Everybody wins!”

He went on to note “It’s time we gave the public direct control of the composition of Congress, and made terms in office more reflective of the voting public’s attention span in the internet age”.  Under AMFA’s proposal, votes could be cast on iPods, Blackberries, on or by unlocking secret codes on specially marked Xbox, Playstation and Wii game boxes.

GPO Preparing Termination Files

In a related cost-saving measure, has learned that the Government Printing Office will re-use formal dismissal documents originally created to fire feckless and tin-eared Republican lawmakers in the electoral wipe-outs of 2006 and 2008.  According to sources, each termination package contains over 2,000 pages of explanatory CYA language, and weighs over three pounds.  Packages reportedly include a variety of for-cause categories, including depth of corruption, undue attraction to absolute power, failure to recognize constitutional officer obligations, deficit of deficit attention disorder, tax addiction, excessive regulatory affectation, failure to wear pants to work, indifference to sanity and being annoying to Average Joes, among others.  New categories may be added to this Fall’s notice packages, including Botox violations and excessive use of first person singular pronouns.

GPO is also announced plans to put future year mass termination forms online, as the CFO forecasts electoral wipeouts to continue at an accelerated pace in future cycles, unless CCCP comes to pass.

Stay tune to for further developments.

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